Night Musings

Him: I don’t like this.

Me: Like what?

Him: This feeling of being tired all the time.

Me: Honey you have said this for 22 years. I sit quietly at the table with my hands on my lap, I’d just gotten in from watering everyone. Hand carrying buckets can be a chore especially in sub zero weather. However. I do it. The animals need to be taken care of.

I really want to slam my hands on the table and yell at him loudly…THIS is it! This is what cancer, stroke, COPD, depression, and age does to a person. He is depressed, he feels hopeless and I can’t fix this either. His COPD has progressed further of course and these days of feeling down aren’t helpful for his thought patterns which are stroke compromised. I want to scream that I am tired of having this very same conversation in one way or another every …. every  single day. Every day. His pleading eyes and voice reminds me that he has no idea that he is being needy. He just is. He is As Is.

I know that I am suffering some burn out. I ache to get away from the farm. Getting an oil change and tires was such a welcome distraction. It shocked the budget, but I got to sit in a waiting room and converse with some other people.

How sad is that?

He goes to bed at 8pm. Sometimes I do to. I am tired of watching shows on Netflix. I could be doing something like writing the Morris books, his last adventure I am afraid. I could be skiing if the snow would just come. I could be working if he could do without me for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time.

I find myself biting my tongue. I want to just yell at him and tell him to buck it up. Do something. Clean the shed, don’t just whine and give up.

But I don’t live in his body. I know how hard he has to work for each breath he takes. And the frigid air is no help to him. He is slowly fading away again. This morning when his daughter called off her visit, he said he wished the cancer had taken him.

I could only hug him hard.

So today I asked him: What do you want?

Him: Well. I don’t know. Some energy? Maybe feel like doing something?

Me: Then do it. Do you know that just getting outside for a little bit will help you? Look at the sky!

I point out the window.

Him [grimacing]: I don’t know how you can be so pleasant.

Me: I’m not always pleasant. Sometimes in my mind I can be downright hateful.

Him: He sighs and gets up. I’m tired, he says, I’m tired.

Now it is that time between 8 and midnight where I am left with thoughts.

I stare longingly out at the night and wish I could walk. If only I could hike away those problems. If only it were so easy.

One good note. I have contacted ADRC. Aging and Disabilities Resource Center in our area. I do need some back up. If nothing else, someone I can talk to.

Wait. The stars are calling. I think I’ll bundle up and watch the night for a while.

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